Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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