i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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