If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
