dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
