Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
