It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
