Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
