Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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