I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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