i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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