Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
