Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
