remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
