I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
