This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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