I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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