i permit you to call me
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
