you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
