On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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