I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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