I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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