this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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