I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
