True but thats because hes a fetus.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
