Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
