The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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