just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
