please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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