whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
