i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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