She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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