I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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