i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
