I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Girls should come with a carfax report
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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