Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
