this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
