The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
