i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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