Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
