If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
