I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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