We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
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