booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize