I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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