Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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