My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
