I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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