I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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