So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
