im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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