Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
