Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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