Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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