How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i love accidental penises.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
