i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
