I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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