I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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