That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This house was built for laser tag.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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