quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
