Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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