My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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