Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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