He disabled his match.com account in front of me
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
