The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
